SARAH'S STORY

My name is Sarah McLean. In 2002 my husband, Steve, and I moved to OKC from Dallas on Labor Day weekend which coincidentally was our 1^st wedding anniversary.  At that time I was 25 years old.

About a month after we settled in, I went to a doctor a friend had recommended to me, mainly for an annual check-up, but also to ask about a small lump in my breast I had noticed while doing a self exam. My doctor in Dallas always reminded her patients to do self exams, saying it’s important to know what breast tissue feels like , making it easier to notice changes.

During the visit with the new doctor, I asked her if the lump was something I needed to be concerned about.  She told me not to worry because I was so young and had no family history of breast cancer. I left the office that day not thinking too much about it, especially since the doctor didn’t seem too worried.

Throughout the next six months I kept an eye on the lump and I noticed it started to grow.  When it became tender to the touch, I got a little concerned.  I asked a couple friends about it and did some research online only to find that cysts are normally painful… but not cancer. I had convinced myself it was just a cyst and I didn’t need to overreact.

As a precaution I made another appointment with the same doctor.  Once again she told me I was too young, but reluctantly gave me a referral for a mammogram.  After that visit I left feeling overly paranoid and a little ridiculous for pursuing the situation.

Within the next couple of weeks I went for the mammogram appointment.  Since I had convinced myself it was just a cyst, I saw no need for moral support, and went by myself. As I entered the office I felt very out of place. It was obvious I was the youngest woman there and I immediately felt like turning around and walking out because I felt silly.

After the mammogram the radiologist came in to review the films with me.  All along I kept thinking he would come in and put me at ease that it was nothing to be concerned with.  But I didn’t expect to hear what came out of his mouth.  He explained to me they wanted to do a biopsy because the mammogram was showing signs of cancerous cells.

At this point my mind was on overload.  I didn’t really know what to think. It was so surreal… everything was happening so fast.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I thought this really couldn’t be happening to me.  I was only 26 years old.  I had only been married for a year.  I hadn’t had children yet.  This wasn’t supposed to be something I had to think about.  This was something I thought my mom or aunt or grandmother would be facing.

The following day I went in for the biopsy.  Later that day my doctor called to advise me it was in fact cancer and referred me to a surgeon. In fact, she had already made the appointment for me.

Everything progressed really quickly from there.  The next week I went for the consultation with Dr. Jackson, my surgeon, who recommended a lumpectomy, followed with radiation.   He explained that while he was in surgery he would biopsy the surrounding tissue to test it to verify it wasn’t still cancerous. 

By the end of the week I was in surgery.  Afterward the surgeon came out to explain to my husband that he had biopsied the surrounding tissue and, although he couldn’t confirm it without the pathology report, he believed the breast cavity was still cancerous.  We went home that day anxiously awaiting the call to hear the results of the pathology report.

Dr. Jackson called the next morning.  He said, “Sarah, it is still cancer.  And because of your age I want to recommend a double mastectomy.”  He was confident he could get all the cancer with surgery and I wouldn’t have to go through extensive therapy. I could go on to live a long, healthy life.

The next week I was back into surgery for the mastectomy.  Five hours later I woke up looking at my husband and fell back asleep.  The next time I woke up, I was in ICU.  The nurse explained to me that, while coming out of surgery I had overdosed on morphine and stopped breathing, so they had to bring me down to ICU to regulate me. 

Thankfully my doctor was able to get all the cancer with surgery.  Only a little had spread to my lymph nodes, I didn’t have to undergo radiation or chemo. 

Steve and I were so thankful for the report.  We were so blessed I would be able to live a healthy life. 

But, the surgeries were only the beginning of a long and painful reconstruction process.  I know that I would not have made it through without the love and support of my sweet husband.  We knew one day we would want to have a family, so we discussed that with my oncologist. 

Since he had never had such a young patient with breast cancer,  he recommended we wait at least two years before we started a family.

Little did we know God had different plans in mind.  I finished my reconstruction in October 2003, and found out I was pregnant the following March. My son, Colin Hudson, was born on Thanksgiving Day of 2004.  He was the biggest gift God could’ve given us coming through such a challenging time. 

Once again though, we were blown away by God’s plan.  The following May in 2005 I found out I was pregnant again and my daughter, Tatum Elizabeth, was born St. Patrick’s Day of 2006.

As we look back, Steve and I are continually amazed at the journey God is taking us through.

When I was diagnosed I had no idea how to cope with cancer… I mean, who does?  I felt an array of emotions and I didn’t know how to work through them all.  On one hand I felt I needed to be strong, to be positive, to press on, not to be overly emotional.  On the other hand I felt weak, scared, angry, and sad.

Over time, I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to feel all those emotions.  I’ve learned that what matters is what I decide to do with those emotions.  I recognized I had a choice to make. Would I allow this to make me or break me?

For a year after my surgeries I struggled with all this stuff.  I couldn’t make sense of it.  I felt like I was hitting a brick wall.  I knew I needed help, but I didn’t want to be perceived as weak. 

Finally I laid down my pride and reached out to talk with a counselor who helped me work through everything I was feeling. 

As I gave up trying to be strong and have the image that I knew how to deal with all this, I could see God begin to heal my heart, my mind, and my spirit.  For the first time in a long time I felt free. In my weakness His strength takes over.

My counselor helped me look at things from a different perspective. She validated me, and challenged me to learn how to cope with this traumatic situation.

She taught me to embrace the sadness of losing such an intimate part of my body. She showed me how to work through the anger, bitterness, sadness, and fear.

I know a lot of people who become paralyzed by determining “why” they got cancer or why unexplainable things happen in their life or in the lives of people they love, but throughout my journey I’ve learned to ask God “what.”

What does He want to teach me?  What can I learn?  What does He want to bring from my experience?

I believe God has a special purpose and special plan for each one of us.  We are all on our own unique journey to live out His will for our lives, if we will only give Him the liberty to be the King of our life.

See… He showed me He can use anything and everything we go through in life to bring glory to Him. It’s not about us. We’ve only overcome because of God’s healing power.

One of the promises I’ve been continually comforted by is Romans 8:28 that says …in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called to his purpose.  

I might not ever understand why, but I can surrender my circumstance to Christ and allow Him to bring beauty from ashes. 

Of course… it stunk to have cancer at such a young age.  I never realized the challenges that would come intimately with my husband having only been married a short time, emotionally as a woman losing one of the most feminine parts of my body and as a mother not being able to have some of the same experiences as my friends.

But you know what… if those challenges were the small price I had to pay for the gift of having a voice to share the faithfulness of Christ with just one person that hasn’t experienced the loving touch of Jesus, then it’s all worth it.  He loves us endlessly and desires to show His faithfulness to us.  We just have to trust Him.

Ladies, as survivors we’ve all been given the gift of life.  I want to encourage you to embrace every moment… truly live every day for the gift it truly is.

I’d like to close with a quote by Albert Einstein.  He said… “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” 

Thanks for allowing me to share my heart with you…

- Sarah McLean